Tag Archives: #unconditionallove

This is a Test!

Neil

This is a test.  What would you do if you had to smile in the face of adversity?  Smile in the face of anger or aggravation?  Smile in the face of hurt or pain?  What would you do?  Could you handle it or would you want to punch the lights out of something or someone?  Would you want to ram your car into a brick wall?  Would that make you or anything in your life feel better?

True story!  Back before Christmas I was going through a hard time.  I was lonely.  Being single is not fun.  I don’t care what people tell you – they lie.  I was having medical issues.  Getting old hurts and it can be painful.  Old injuries flare up and cause things to happen you would never want to wish on anyone.  I was stressed out about my life – my job – and my financial situation.  I wasn’t in the best place with the relationship I had with my two children.  I was in a poor pitiful me state.  I think the only person I felt okay with was God.  I did a lot of praying and a lot of asking “Why is everything in my life such a mess?” “What did I do to deserve this?” “What can I do to change it?” I knew I could only control myself but “myself” was in a state of distress.  A state of not wanting to get out of bed.  I literally felt like I had no reason to get out of bed – why bother?  Right?  Everything I was going to do would be done by me alone.  If I don’t want to clean the house, no one cares and no one even knows.  I just felt terrible and I didn’t even like myself!

For about six (6) months previously, I had been hearing God say – you are going to hit the wall.  I heard this loud voice in my head every time I got into my SUV to drive.  I kept thinking why am I hearing this – you are going to hit the wall.  What did it mean?  Was it about my car or was it about me emotionally?  I thought that if it was about my car, that was crazy.  I was not going to hit a wall because I was careful about pulling out of parking spaces in my parking garage.  So I thought it had to be meant about me emotionally.  Of course, I paid it no attention.  It made no sense to me.

A Saturday came and I had been invited to go to Summerville to be a fill in Bunco player.  I don’t know much about the game but I have learned enough to be a fill in when they need someone because one of their regular gals is out.  As I got in my car to leave, I was thinking about how I didn’t want to go.  I was in a bad mood in my head.  I felt sorry for myself – you name it I was feeling it but I knew I needed to keep my promise of saying I would come.  I cranked my SUV,  Parked beside the garage wall, I attempted to pull out and guess what?  I hit the wall!  YES –  I actually hit the freaking wall.  I stopped the car and was in shock.  WOW – OMGosh!  God told me I was going to hit the wall and I did.  He had been telling me this for 6 months.  I can’t believe it happened. This was crazy!

As I sat in my SUV not moving, I decided I had come to my breaking point.  I backed up the SUV and rammed my pretty white SUV into the wall again myself.  I had just had enough.  Sort of like when you are so stressed you feel like running into a tree – but you would never do it.  It is just a thought in your head, but this time I felt I could not take it anymore.  I rammed it into the brick wall of my own free will.  As I pulled out of the garage I shouted out loud the words I could only hear – WELL – THAT DIDN’T GIVE ME ANY SELF SATISFACTION WORTH A DAMN!  I screamed.  I guess I thought by being able to ram my SUV into the wall myself the second time, it was supposed to be a release of everything I had been feeling and in some way be a cleansing to my soul.  This action only made me realize it did not calm the stress or anger or fear in my life.  It did not fix anything.  Believe it or not – I burst into laughter.  Maybe the laughter was an influx of emotion that was the opposite of crying so I was thankful I was not crying.  I really don’t know, but I drove to Summerville thinking about what I had done and feeling that I had no sense of peace or self satisfaction from doing it.  None whatsoever!

What I did learn is this.  Humility is not about thinking less of yourself.  It is about thinking of yourself less.  Get it?  I was so self consumed in myself that I could not see the blessings God has given me.  I am a good person.  I am blessed in so many ways.  I have a roof over my head and food on my table.  I have clean clothes to wear and I have family and friends.  God loves me all the time – even to the end of the earth.  Matthew 28:20 says “Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” This comforts me.  When I feel alone, I know that God is there.  Funny how I could be mad at myself or other people but not be mad at God?  Most of the time people get mad at God first.  Let’s just blame ole God.  Nope I didn’t.  I have learned enough to know that all the negative things that happen to me or that I hear in my head – God would never do it or say it.  Sort of like asking yourself – “Who told you that, because God would never tell you that!” No – he would not.

I decided after having some time to come to my senses that I am the only one who can drag myself out of the pity party.  I need to be more in control of myself and how I feel and react to things.  I made a promise to be more thankful and be more kind to myself and everyone else.  Have more gratitude and to tell myself that although I can not control what other people do and say, I can control me.  Sort of like a “What would Jesus do?” thing.  When I approach someone who is not friendly, I make excuses for them.  Stuff like – ” Well, they must have had a bad day.” Or see someone doing something mean, I think “Well I will pray for them.” I know if you are reading this you are probably thinking she is one crazy woman, but I have to be able to justify it in my head that things could be worse and to know I am praying for someone who may need it in hopes that someone is also praying for me too.  I step back and try to think of how to be at peace.  To live in peace and to not worry so much.  I am still working on it but I know if I leave it in God’s hands he always works it out for my good – in his own timing.

What can you do to change your life for the better?  NASA astronaut, Neil Armstrong’s most famous line – “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”  Maybe we can relate this same message to our own life each day.  A simple smile to someone in the grocery store who looks at you – could be your one small step.  Maybe they can pay it forward to the next person and on and on it goes – then you have one giant leap for mankind.  We not only can change our attitude and our own world around us we can do this small act of helping to take the leap for mankind to make the world a better place.  Get out of your own head.  I am working on getting out of mine.  Then maybe – just maybe – no one has to hit the wall ever again.  Be Blessed!  Hugs.

 

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Life is not a box of Chocolates. This is Real Life People!

WOW – Can you believe it has been three months since I wrote on my Blog?  I have thought about it many times but things have been so hectic that I just felt I did not have enough time to relax and write.  So I am up in the middle of the night at 4:00 am writing now.

No, I did not get up to specifically to write on my Blog.  I woke up with things on my mind and decided to have a cup of decaf coffee.  That is what you do when you get older.  You start doing things you thought you would never do.  Recently I did something that was quiet a shock to me.  I went to Barnes & Noble to look for a couple of books.  I was looking for something with mystery or romance but ended up leaving with a book on how to detox from sugar and a Find a Word book.  Really!  A freaking Find a Work book?  I can not even believe I bought this for myself.  Still in shock!  As soon as I laid it on my coffee table, I knew it had happened.  I was starting to get the house look of an old person.  My step mother has this same coffee table look.  WOW – a little devastating I must say and a definite sign my life is boring.  I need to work on that for sure.  So let’s catch up from my last post.

Well, remember my Christmas Kiss?  Unfortunately, the mystery man left my life as quick as he came into my life.   We had two dates and they were fantastic.  I felt so comfortable with him and we talked for hours about so many things.  He kept in touch through the holidays and on News Years Day he sent me a picture of his children on the slopes skying during their Christmas vacation…then poof he was gone.  No texts or calls – nothing.  I texted him a couple of times and he never texted back.  I have no idea what happened.  For a couple of weeks I wondered was it something I did?  But looking back, it was just too perfect.  I did nothing wrong.  I have accepted the fact that although I wanted it to last longer he had something he needed to do.  Whether is was meeting someone else or just life getting in the way.  It had nothing to do with me.  I chose to not take upon myself any responsibility for his disappearance.  It was just him.  I just wonder why God would bring him in my life and take him out of my life just as fast?  Maybe it was just to give me that Christmas Kiss I longed for as a gift.  If that is the case, I appreciate it.  It was nice.

Another thing I have been dealing with is a new company.  Have you ever wondered what is the right thing to do when it comes to where to work?  I changed real estate companies in December and from the start I was unsure if this was the right place for me.  I felt it was a door that was opened – not by me – but one that had come to me.  I guess I am crazy because I think things like the mystery man or this new company coming to me is a sign of something bigger.  I thought it was a sign of God’s path for me but now I am not so sure.  As a Christian, I am always looking for God’s sign or listening for God to tell me something.  Yes – I do hear him tell me things.  I know it sounds crazy and I would have never believed it myself if I had not experienced it.  I guess it takes getting older to understand the way to hear God is to learn to listen.  Now I wonder if this was God’s voice or just people coming into my life for their own needs – needing me to help them fulfill their needs if only for a moment.  Who knows?

Well, this new company was supposed to be the answer to my prayers I thought.  I guess I expected too much and we all know when that happens we have set ourselves up for disappointment because you have no place to go but down when you have high expectations about anything in life.  This may be true for my new company.  The owner asked me what are my two deal breakers.  I said, 1.) Not being treated fairly and 2.) Not being able to trust the people I work with.  BAM!  Both of the deal breakers have already happened in less than 90 days.  This too has been a shock and disappointment for me but I am staying to try to give it more time to change.  I guess the saying “Not everything on the outside is as it seems” is very true.  Even at my age, I am constantly learning lessons and hoping one day I get a box of chocolates all filled inside with caramel.

I guess my biggest questions is when you try to do the right thing and work hard, “Why does it take so long for things to get better?”  Sorry if I am sounding like “Poor Pitiful Me”.  I really have so much to be thankful for and I thank God everyday for his many blessings but…  I guess I should not say the word “but” in the same sentence as I use the word God : / – Yikes.  But – how long do you have to wait for things to change?  I know everyone says it is in God’s timing.  I understand this and believe this…  But my goodness…how long is that?  I live my life in constant prayer for everything that happens to me and my loved ones – not to mention everyone in this world.  Again, I know I have a lot to be thankful for but there are things my heart desires like a life partner and financial security.  I think we all long for those two basic needs – right? Patience is something I have been trying to stay focused on while learning to stay calm and holding on to the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Amen I say!

My Dad’s 84th birthday is this coming week – March 12.  He married my step-mother when he was 60 years old.  I have several years before I get to be 60 – God willing.  So I know there is hope, but I remember him saying – this world is not a world for single people.  You go to church and sit alone because everyone else is in twos.  You don’t fit in as a single person.  I always thought that was sad but now I see it is true.  The world is made for twos.  I guess that is why God made Eve for Adam.  The Bible says that God saw Adam was lonely and needed a partner so he created Eve.  I will continue to wait and pray and have faith – faith of the mustard seed.  If you do not know what this means, you need to look it up.  A little faith is all you need – just a little.  I will take what has become my the size of a mustard seed and wait for my Christian husband to show up.  Fingers crossed.

Now, let’s talk about children.  I know I have a lot on my mind at 4:00 am in the morning.  Sorry!  Well, as you know I have two beautiful and wonderful adult children.  My adult relationship with them is very different from when they were growing up.  When they were small, they loved and respected me.  I did everything for them and I was their parent.  Now they are grown and I don’t have to do anything for them.  They are independent as it should be but this has created a much different relationship.  I know they still know I am their parent but it has turned into sort of like more of a friendship.  I wonder sometimes do they even realize I am still their parent?

My daughter and I get along pretty much great.  We have had our moments but overall I see she still respects me and sees me as her parent.  She still says “Yes – Mam”, and she calls or texts me everyday which I love, but my son has gotten very different.  He had some personal struggles I helped him with for a few years but now he is doing fantastic.  I am proud of both of my children.  I really am a proud mother but my son is the one who I am the most proud because he has totally changed his life for the better.  He has some alcohol issues and now that is completely out of his life.  Thank you God!  I am telling you, nothing is more worrisome or hurtful than dealing with something like that. I am just so thankful that he is released from that life.  He is doing awesome.

My daughter has always been a blessing to me and always been my sweet girl.  She is my mini-me.  I always knew she would be a superstar.  My son was the one I worried about because he was always rebelling and can be very hard-headed.  He thinks he knows everything.  Now he is successful and doing great.  He recently told me he was the head of the family because he made the most money and I needed to respect his place as head of our family as well as a lot of other things I won’t even get into.  This has dis-stressed me because I realized he doesn’t see me as his parent anymore.  It was like he was saying “I am the leader”.  I kinda felt bullied a little bit.  I even told him – NO!  I am your mother and you will not forget it.  I am not sure if all the years of him having personal struggles and now being in such a great place has gone to his head and made him forget who was the one who stood by him and picked up the pieces?  I am both of my children’s biggest cheerleader but I am not going to stand on the side line and be treated like a second class citizen because he makes more money than I do!

I am not looking to be constantly thanked for anything I have done for them, but I am looking to be respected and appreciated.  Being the primary care given, whether it is taking care of someone or just being their mother or father is a hard job.  Yes, I was married to their Dad until they were in college but I never had any help from him – financially or emotionally.  I was still a single parent.  This adult children relationship is sometimes tough.  I see now what I may have put my mother though.  They often (or I should say my son) think they know it all.  At church this past Sunday, I lit a candle for my son to become humble and kind.  This world can change you and sometimes not for the good.  He is so sweet and loving when he wants to be – : ) – but lately he has been so all about himself.  I know God is watching and I pray he is working on him to see his actions are hurtful and this is not the way to have a happy life.

So what is?  What is the way to have a happy life?  I have no clue.  I do know that I used to wake up everyday thinking is this the day I am going to be happy?  And by the end of the day, it was just another day.  Why?  Well, I do know the answer to this question.  Happiness is not a way of life.  It is an emotion.  Just like sadness passes so will happiness.  What we need to look for and try to achieve in our life is a state of contentment.  Just a way to wake up everyday and be content with the people we are around, our environment, our job, and definitely our life choices.  If we can learn to do this we will be in a state of contentment which means that we are okay.  We will find happiness in our day whether it is laughter with a friend at lunch or just hearing the birds chirp.  We will be at peace in our hearts and minds and possibly live a stress free life or at least as less stressed life.  That is the key to having a longer – notice I said longer – state of happiness.  I strive for that everyday.  I keep telling myself that I control my day and my choices of who I want to be around and what I want to do for the most part.  I control this and so do you.  Well – thanks for allowing me to catch up, and I hope to write again soon.  God Bless!

 

Unconditional Love

Stella2

I wanted to write today as writing has become my therapy.  I have been very sad the past 2 days because my precious Aunt Sara passed away.  She was 93 years young and I know she lived a good Christian life, but the pain of loss still hurts my heart.  Hearing my Father cry as we spoke on the phone yesterday really has broken me to my core.  My Father is my rock and the best Christian role model of my life.  So I have a lot on my mind today and it all centers around LOVE.

The picture above is my sweet grand-doggie Stella.  She has come to stay with me for several days as my daughter and her boyfriend have flown off to “The Hamptons”.  Yes – the “Real” Hamptons.  I guess even a tiny little southern girl can make a big splash.  As I am looking at my sweet Stella, I think about how she loves me unconditionally.  She doesn’t care what I say or do.  She just always looks at me with loving eyes of acceptance.  I realized today “Why can’t we all be this way too?” and “Why is everything so hard when it comes to relationships?” My son was the first one to tell me to “Get Out of my own Head!” one day as I was over thinking something.  I know he meant it in a helpful way but of course I took it harshly.  I had never been told that before (that is what happens when your children become adults).  In the end, he was right (I even told him).  I was over thinking the situation and letting my mind take me to a place that was doing me no good at all.  I have sense tried to learn to pace myself and not to let everything I see or hear create an immediate reaction.  There are always two sides to every issue.  I realize now looking back on my life all the unnecessary immediate reactions I created which only caused me more problems.

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