I’m Sorry Mom…

Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom.  Gone but definitely not forgotten.  I think about her often and as I have gotten older and a lot more wiser, I realize I owe her so many apologies.  So this blog is a letter to my mother.

Dear Mom, I love you.  Please know that I mean it.  I know I did not say it enough because I spent most of our time together being mad at you.  I am sorry.  I am sorry for being too young to understand what it takes to not only be a mother but to be a woman.  It is hard and I am sorry that I thought you were supposed to be a super woman because I see now I can’t even live up to that expectation.  I am sorry for rolling my eyes when you used to try to tell me something I didn’t want to hear OR me thinking I knew more than you did.  I did not know more than you because the life lessons you were trying to share with me and warn me about had not happened to me yet.  I wish I would have listened and taken your advice.  It could have saved me a lot of heartache.

I am sorry for thinking I was embarrassed by your presence in front of my friends when I was a teenager.  You were sick and I was afraid my friends would look at me different because they did not understand cancer.  I was stupid.  I see now how brave you were and how stupid I was but I ask for your forgiveness because I was too young to understand.  I didn’t know.  Please forgive me.  I see how strong you were now and how amazing you were to try to live your best life in spite of it.

There is so much I would love to tell you now – say to you.  Although you are not here, I want to say it anyway because I know you hear me – you can see me.  Mom, I love you.  I know I didn’t show it enough but I really loved you.  I look at your pictures and remember how beautiful you were.  I remember how good you smelt when I kissed your cheek.  You were always dressed so elegantly.  You believed in keeping us all clean and dressed in our best and I try to honor that today.  I remember how you used to tap me on the shoulder and tell me to stand up straight – sit up straight.  When I slouch today, I straighten up and hear your words again.

You left a legacy on my life I never expected.  I thought I would be mad at you forever for the divorce from Dad.  I thought I would never forgive you for a lot of things but I have.  I see now how hard it is to make decisions in life – I have failed and no one is perfect.  I see how hard marriage is and how it takes two to make it and two to break it.  Relationships in general have to be nurtured and cared for everyday or they wither away.  I see those things now.  I realize you were not only my Mom but you were a woman too.  I can relate more now to the craving of love and the sharing of life.  I see now what you needed, and I am sorry you didn’t have a chance to have it in your life.  It makes me sad.

I remember your sweet smile and your beautiful eyes.  You always looked at me with love – even when I told you how much I couldn’t stand you.  I was young and I was dumb.  As I have gotten older, I have had trying times with my children too, and I have remembered how you would tell me – “I hope one day you see the way you are treating me and remember how this feels!” I do and I have.  I am so sorry!  Being a parent is not easy but it sure is a blessing.  I hope I was a blessing to you in spite of the way I treated you in my youth.  You were a blessing to me even though it took me a while to see it.  I know you loved me and I was blessed to have had you as my mother.

Thanks for loving me anyway.  Thanks for loving my children.  Thanks for teaching me life lessons I didn’t know I needed but I see now I did.  I miss you Mom and I will always love you – even to the end of my life.  I look forward to seeing you again one day and my first words will be – I love you Mom and I am sorry.  Happy Mothers Day.

Eutha Gay

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: