Monthly Archives: May 2018

I’m Sorry Mom…

Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom.  Gone but definitely not forgotten.  I think about her often and as I have gotten older and a lot more wiser, I realize I owe her so many apologies.  So this blog is a letter to my mother.

Dear Mom, I love you.  Please know that I mean it.  I know I did not say it enough because I spent most of our time together being mad at you.  I am sorry.  I am sorry for being too young to understand what it takes to not only be a mother but to be a woman.  It is hard and I am sorry that I thought you were supposed to be a super woman because I see now I can’t even live up to that expectation.  I am sorry for rolling my eyes when you used to try to tell me something I didn’t want to hear OR me thinking I knew more than you did.  I did not know more than you because the life lessons you were trying to share with me and warn me about had not happened to me yet.  I wish I would have listened and taken your advice.  It could have saved me a lot of heartache.

I am sorry for thinking I was embarrassed by your presence in front of my friends when I was a teenager.  You were sick and I was afraid my friends would look at me different because they did not understand cancer.  I was stupid.  I see now how brave you were and how stupid I was but I ask for your forgiveness because I was too young to understand.  I didn’t know.  Please forgive me.  I see how strong you were now and how amazing you were to try to live your best life in spite of it.

There is so much I would love to tell you now – say to you.  Although you are not here, I want to say it anyway because I know you hear me – you can see me.  Mom, I love you.  I know I didn’t show it enough but I really loved you.  I look at your pictures and remember how beautiful you were.  I remember how good you smelt when I kissed your cheek.  You were always dressed so elegantly.  You believed in keeping us all clean and dressed in our best and I try to honor that today.  I remember how you used to tap me on the shoulder and tell me to stand up straight – sit up straight.  When I slouch today, I straighten up and hear your words again.

You left a legacy on my life I never expected.  I thought I would be mad at you forever for the divorce from Dad.  I thought I would never forgive you for a lot of things but I have.  I see now how hard it is to make decisions in life – I have failed and no one is perfect.  I see how hard marriage is and how it takes two to make it and two to break it.  Relationships in general have to be nurtured and cared for everyday or they wither away.  I see those things now.  I realize you were not only my Mom but you were a woman too.  I can relate more now to the craving of love and the sharing of life.  I see now what you needed, and I am sorry you didn’t have a chance to have it in your life.  It makes me sad.

I remember your sweet smile and your beautiful eyes.  You always looked at me with love – even when I told you how much I couldn’t stand you.  I was young and I was dumb.  As I have gotten older, I have had trying times with my children too, and I have remembered how you would tell me – “I hope one day you see the way you are treating me and remember how this feels!” I do and I have.  I am so sorry!  Being a parent is not easy but it sure is a blessing.  I hope I was a blessing to you in spite of the way I treated you in my youth.  You were a blessing to me even though it took me a while to see it.  I know you loved me and I was blessed to have had you as my mother.

Thanks for loving me anyway.  Thanks for loving my children.  Thanks for teaching me life lessons I didn’t know I needed but I see now I did.  I miss you Mom and I will always love you – even to the end of my life.  I look forward to seeing you again one day and my first words will be – I love you Mom and I am sorry.  Happy Mothers Day.

Eutha Gay

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This is a Test!

Neil

This is a test.  What would you do if you had to smile in the face of adversity?  Smile in the face of anger or aggravation?  Smile in the face of hurt or pain?  What would you do?  Could you handle it or would you want to punch the lights out of something or someone?  Would you want to ram your car into a brick wall?  Would that make you or anything in your life feel better?

True story!  Back before Christmas I was going through a hard time.  I was lonely.  Being single is not fun.  I don’t care what people tell you – they lie.  I was having medical issues.  Getting old hurts and it can be painful.  Old injuries flare up and cause things to happen you would never want to wish on anyone.  I was stressed out about my life – my job – and my financial situation.  I wasn’t in the best place with the relationship I had with my two children.  I was in a poor pitiful me state.  I think the only person I felt okay with was God.  I did a lot of praying and a lot of asking “Why is everything in my life such a mess?” “What did I do to deserve this?” “What can I do to change it?” I knew I could only control myself but “myself” was in a state of distress.  A state of not wanting to get out of bed.  I literally felt like I had no reason to get out of bed – why bother?  Right?  Everything I was going to do would be done by me alone.  If I don’t want to clean the house, no one cares and no one even knows.  I just felt terrible and I didn’t even like myself!

For about six (6) months previously, I had been hearing God say – you are going to hit the wall.  I heard this loud voice in my head every time I got into my SUV to drive.  I kept thinking why am I hearing this – you are going to hit the wall.  What did it mean?  Was it about my car or was it about me emotionally?  I thought that if it was about my car, that was crazy.  I was not going to hit a wall because I was careful about pulling out of parking spaces in my parking garage.  So I thought it had to be meant about me emotionally.  Of course, I paid it no attention.  It made no sense to me.

A Saturday came and I had been invited to go to Summerville to be a fill in Bunco player.  I don’t know much about the game but I have learned enough to be a fill in when they need someone because one of their regular gals is out.  As I got in my car to leave, I was thinking about how I didn’t want to go.  I was in a bad mood in my head.  I felt sorry for myself – you name it I was feeling it but I knew I needed to keep my promise of saying I would come.  I cranked my SUV,  Parked beside the garage wall, I attempted to pull out and guess what?  I hit the wall!  YES –  I actually hit the freaking wall.  I stopped the car and was in shock.  WOW – OMGosh!  God told me I was going to hit the wall and I did.  He had been telling me this for 6 months.  I can’t believe it happened. This was crazy!

As I sat in my SUV not moving, I decided I had come to my breaking point.  I backed up the SUV and rammed my pretty white SUV into the wall again myself.  I had just had enough.  Sort of like when you are so stressed you feel like running into a tree – but you would never do it.  It is just a thought in your head, but this time I felt I could not take it anymore.  I rammed it into the brick wall of my own free will.  As I pulled out of the garage I shouted out loud the words I could only hear – WELL – THAT DIDN’T GIVE ME ANY SELF SATISFACTION WORTH A DAMN!  I screamed.  I guess I thought by being able to ram my SUV into the wall myself the second time, it was supposed to be a release of everything I had been feeling and in some way be a cleansing to my soul.  This action only made me realize it did not calm the stress or anger or fear in my life.  It did not fix anything.  Believe it or not – I burst into laughter.  Maybe the laughter was an influx of emotion that was the opposite of crying so I was thankful I was not crying.  I really don’t know, but I drove to Summerville thinking about what I had done and feeling that I had no sense of peace or self satisfaction from doing it.  None whatsoever!

What I did learn is this.  Humility is not about thinking less of yourself.  It is about thinking of yourself less.  Get it?  I was so self consumed in myself that I could not see the blessings God has given me.  I am a good person.  I am blessed in so many ways.  I have a roof over my head and food on my table.  I have clean clothes to wear and I have family and friends.  God loves me all the time – even to the end of the earth.  Matthew 28:20 says “Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” This comforts me.  When I feel alone, I know that God is there.  Funny how I could be mad at myself or other people but not be mad at God?  Most of the time people get mad at God first.  Let’s just blame ole God.  Nope I didn’t.  I have learned enough to know that all the negative things that happen to me or that I hear in my head – God would never do it or say it.  Sort of like asking yourself – “Who told you that, because God would never tell you that!” No – he would not.

I decided after having some time to come to my senses that I am the only one who can drag myself out of the pity party.  I need to be more in control of myself and how I feel and react to things.  I made a promise to be more thankful and be more kind to myself and everyone else.  Have more gratitude and to tell myself that although I can not control what other people do and say, I can control me.  Sort of like a “What would Jesus do?” thing.  When I approach someone who is not friendly, I make excuses for them.  Stuff like – ” Well, they must have had a bad day.” Or see someone doing something mean, I think “Well I will pray for them.” I know if you are reading this you are probably thinking she is one crazy woman, but I have to be able to justify it in my head that things could be worse and to know I am praying for someone who may need it in hopes that someone is also praying for me too.  I step back and try to think of how to be at peace.  To live in peace and to not worry so much.  I am still working on it but I know if I leave it in God’s hands he always works it out for my good – in his own timing.

What can you do to change your life for the better?  NASA astronaut, Neil Armstrong’s most famous line – “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”  Maybe we can relate this same message to our own life each day.  A simple smile to someone in the grocery store who looks at you – could be your one small step.  Maybe they can pay it forward to the next person and on and on it goes – then you have one giant leap for mankind.  We not only can change our attitude and our own world around us we can do this small act of helping to take the leap for mankind to make the world a better place.  Get out of your own head.  I am working on getting out of mine.  Then maybe – just maybe – no one has to hit the wall ever again.  Be Blessed!  Hugs.

 

The Power of One!

Number 1

Why is the number 1 so important?  Because, there is this unknown power in it.  How do I know this?  Well, it is simple!  The number 1 represents the beginning of everything meaning the first or start of anything that happens in life.  It all starts with ONE.  One person, one thing, one object, one word, one – whatever.

I recently started my own company and the last two weeks I have been interviewing agents.  I have had several tell me they are excited about joining my new office and they will think about it and get back to me.  However, no one has moved over yet.  Maybe it is because they are waiting on that one person to take the leap of faith and be the first ONE?  I too am waiting for that first ONE because I know as soon as that first one joins everything will change.  It is a reckoning to others that it is safe/okay to make a move to something new.  Why do we need this reassurance?  Why is it that anything we want to do we can’t just simply do it because we feel it is good for us?  Why do we have to stand on the sideline and wait for that first person to cross the finish line to prove to us it is okay to cross to the other side?

What most people don’t realize is being the ONE – the first person to lead the way in anything in life is a game changer.  The ONE who is most remembered.  The winner!  The trendsetter!  The game changer! – No one remembers number 2, 3, 4, etc.  They just remember number 1.  It takes a lot of courage to be number 1.  To listen to the voice in your head to do what is right for you and not base your decision on what someone else does.  How do you know what someone else does is even going to be right for you?  You don’t.  Maybe that is where mistakes are made because we have stopped thinking for ourselves and relied on watching what others do to decide what we need to do.  Well that is something to think about huh?

I have always been my own person.  It has been hard because a free thinker with an opinion and a free will to make my own decisions is not often accepted graciously in this world.  People look at you sometimes like you are crazy, rebellious, not a good fit, etc.  It has taken me years to realize it is not me who has an issue.  It is them.  Why must I conform to what I do not believe?  Why should I base my life decisions on waiting and watching what someone else might or might not do?  If I believe in myself, I will be confident enough to at least try even if I fail.  Then I can only hold myself accountable for any good or bad decision I made in my life.  Yes – not every decision I have made has been the right one but I look at my life with the old saying in mind.  It is better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all.  Regrets in life can be one of the biggest disappointments in life next to our faith in mankind.

I have not always taken every first step I have wanted to take.  I too have waited in fear of the unknown.  I think that is a normal experience we all take.  Waiting and watching as if life is some sort of a gamble – but it is.  We are not guaranteed anything will be 100% successful, but I can tell you the fear of not taking a chance can also be no guarantee of not losing either.  So who will be number 1.  It just takes 1 – haven’t you heard that saying before?  Will you wait and let life pass you by or will you chose to be a trendsetter – a leader – a mover and a shaker?  The older I get the more I feel compelled to be that person.  To not be afraid of the unknown.  Beside, what do I have to lose anyway?  I have been down before and I have gotten up again to start over.  I think we all have.

So as my new company waits on the ONE that will be the beginning of everything for their future and mine.  This person will be my number ONE.  The person I remember for the rest of my life.  The one that I will hold dearest in my heart for helping me make my dreams come true.  My One!  So, I ask you – Are you a number 1 in your own life?  Are you someone who has your own mind, makes your own decisions, colors outside the lines, steps out of the box because no one remembers who came in last.  Don’t be last.  Be Bold!  Ready, Set, GO!