Is there really “REAL” love?

Yesterday, I read a blog of a young woman of 30 who wrote about her life as a single woman.  She was very open and honest and most of all real.  Her fears about being lonely and getting older are very much in line with my own.  I admired her for putting it all out in the universe and decided maybe I need to do the same.  Sometimes getting things off your chest can be freeing.  So today, I have a lot on my heart.  I may write more than one blog to cover all the things I am feeling – who knows, but I thought this was a good place to start.  Here goes!

As I read the blog post of a single woman of 30 years old, my first thought is “If she were over 50, she would really be scared!” Being single over 50 can be stressful or at least the older I get the more stressed I get about finding God’s partner for me.  I was married over 25 years and we have two beautiful children together.  We met when I was 18 and married when I was 20.  What did I know about finding the right partner at 18?  Not one thing!  Why no one gave me a talking to I will never understand.

Reading a post from an online blog for FamilyLife.com, I found a passage that might help where I am wanting to go with my blog today.  It reads, The Bible warns against being unequally yoked in 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (NIV). Because the phrase “unequally yoked” can be a bit difficult to understand, I like to read this verse from The Message, a paraphrase of the Bible. These verses read, “Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil?”

My ex-husband and I were not equally yoked from the start.  No one had ever even talked to me about being equally yoked.  If you don’t understand what I am talking about, let me make it easier for you.  What do you have in common with each other outside of physical attraction?  In my case, I found out too late the answer was nothing but two beautiful children.

We did not like anything the other person liked.  We could not carry on a conversation.  I remember so many times going to dinner and trying to go to a movie on our anniversary only to drive home seeing no movie because we could not agree on what to see.  I know this sounds selfish no giving in but believe me I think we both gave in plenty of times until we realized we were becoming someone else trying to be equally yoked to have something in common while knowing we were being fake people.  It did not work.  Resentment came in as the years rolled by because we both felt no matter what we had promised in our marriage vows (and I strongly believed in my marriage vows) we had to stay and make it work.  I had promised God and I could not break my promise.  Then one day the unthinkable happened.  My husband had turned to alcohol and I had turned to work.

Our children were getting older and time was passing.  I kept thinking things would get better and this division between us would go away and we would find love again.  What I did not know is my heart was full of hatred and disappointment.  I felt I had let myself down by settling for the life I had accepted because I chose it at age 20.  This was not the marriage I signed up for.  This was not the life I had created in my mind.  Where was my happy family with the white picket fence!  What happened?  I struggled for 10 years as I vowed to continue to pray God would fix this mess for me.  I look back now and realize what was I doing to fix my own mess?  I had gone to marriage counseling and begged my husband to attend with me but he refused.  He told me he was fine.  It was me who was F’d up.  I think it was both of us.  When you find yourself in a dysfunctional relationship, everyone is F’d up.  Throughout the 10 years of his alcoholism and my workaholic-ism, we became strangers living in the same house.

The day finally came when all Hell broke loose.  My many nights of praying and asking God for answers were still continuing but I honestly felt God had talked to me one night and told me he understood.  I had tried my best or the best I knew how and unless my husband was willing to change as I was trying to do – there was nothing else I could do.  I heard God’s voice tell me – I want you to be happy.  I felt as much as God hates divorce I also think he understands a broken heart from a breakdown of a relationship.  I had given it 10 years with no hope in sight.  It was time to move on for me.  I felt God was maybe not approving my decision to divorce but at least forgiving me for it.

Getting a divorce was one of the worse things that has ever happened to me outside of the death of my mother.  It really was like going through a death.  I had wanted a divorce for years and selfishly prayed for one while praying for a happy marriage – which makes no sense.  However, when you get in a super stressful situation – especially when it involves someone with alcoholism – you become half crazy yourself.  When the day came, we met at the court house for the finalization of our marriage.  We both hugged and cried together.  There was still love but the broken heartedness was too strong to change my mind.  It was not out of love for each other we divorced.  It was out of pain and heartbreak.  We were not equally yoked which I believe and understand now lead to all the years of misunderstanding and pain.  You can not make another person become the person you need in your life.  If you even think you can change someone, you are wrong.  Do you want someone trying to change you?  If not, why are you trying to change someone else?  I stress this to my two children constantly.  Make sure you have something in common with the person you are dating because you can not change someone later!

I have been single for about 10 years now.  I have had a couple of relationships. Most of them I knew from the start were wrong for me.  I heard the voice in my soul – do not do this but I went into these relationships anyway.  Why?  Because of loneliness.  I needed someone to want to be with me.  Show me attention.  Show me affection.  Show me anything that made me feel like I wasn’t going to die alone.  So many things we hang on to trying to get what we think we need only lead us on detours in our life.  I wish I would have listened to my gut.  I know now the voice in our Gut is God talking to us.  Why did I not know this sooner?  I could have saved myself a lot of hurt and disappointment.  Wisdom comes with age and I have been pretty dang stupid.  I am a people pleaser; so when someone wanted to be in a relationship with me I agreed.  I was too busy putting my needs and wants a side to just be with someone – anyone who I thought wanted me.  What about what I wanted or needed?

One guy I felt was not perfect but a maybe.  It eventually ended due to several reasons.  1.  God kept telling me it was not right for me.  This was a biggie.  2.  He was too anxious to get married.  Started talking about marriage 2 weeks after we started dating.  3.  My son did not like him – who knows why?  4.  We had different ideas on finances.  5.  He was not really into church.  BAM!  Not equally yoked, but we were best friends.  He was the first man I could really be myself around.  I could tell him anything and he could tell me anything.  We never judged each other.  I miss him to this day.  BTW, he married a lady 8 months after they started dating – right after we pretty much ended – well before we ended.  As much as it hurts me even now, I am proud of myself for finally listening to God telling me this is not who I want you to be with.  This guy was a good man.  Probably the best man I had dated, but he was not the right man for my life plan.  It was hard to let go, but it was what was best for both of us.

I have so many friends who are jumping into marriage because they are getting older and need security.  Two friends just started dating and have already upgraded their status to “In a relationship”on FB while the other one has accepted an engagement ring only after 2 weeks of dating.  PLEASE!  What are you thinking. We are not a bunch of teenagers anymore.  Trying not to be judgmental or jealous because I am neither, I just wonder if they are thinking about being equally yoked? Am I the only person who cares about this?  Am I crazy for waiting on this?  I just know I want the next man I marry to be the last man I marry.  God and Church are very important to me so I pray for a Godly man.  One who is kind heart-ed and caring.  One who is not selfish but giving of his love and life.  Sharing together what we can create into something more than what we both have while loving God together.

I am now praying for God to help me find the right person.  God talks to me in the night.  One night I heard his voice telling me “It will come in the Winter.”  I have been praying for my Christian husband and my finances.  I am patiently waiting to see what God is bringing my way.  My word of the year is Patience.  I heard this from God also.  I may blog about this in another posting.  So learning to have patience is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.  Waiting on God’s timing is hard, especially when you are lonely.  I have to believe there is REAL love waiting for me.  I don’t know how or when it will show up only God knows this.  I worry sometimes I may be too picky about this equally yoked thing because I realize no two people are alike, but there are deal breakers in every relationship.  I just need to make sure my deal breakers are ones my potential partner will not carry.  We have to have tons of things in common.  After all, as we grow older, the looks will fade, the sex will go away, sitting on the couch and having companionship with one another becomes all we will have together.  We need to make sure the person we spend our life with is someone who can carry on an interesting conversation.  Waiting on God’s timing is hard, but trying to have patience is harder so I pray for patience daily.  Be Blessed!

 

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